I still feel every emotion like it was yesterday. The memories are so fresh of not only adoption day but the 4 years of praying leading up to that day. I leaned over that bed in the NICU and looked into the face of the newborn baby God had created just for our family. God knew from the minute David was knit in the womb that he would be the answer to our prayers.
I still remember every emotion from every court hearing, phone call and lawyer visit during those 11 months. But do you know what I also remember every detail of? The faces and stories of the two precious little ones we had for a while before David was born and every precious soul we have had the privilege to do respite care for since then. Each had a story, and each was a precious gift of God and more importantly each one of them needed a home and love. James and I were the privileged ones to be that place of "home and love" if only for a few days or weeks.
I told myself, James and Buckner that I just wanted to take a short break from foster care after David's adoption was final...maybe just until school started back. But every month I found another excuse to delay a placement until ultimately we gave up our license. I started seeing everything as a hassle.. the paperwork, appts, hearings, lawyers etc. I was busy, I already had 4 kids.
2015 was a rough year for me and looking back I still struggle with how I got so lost in a year that was so very good to the Lis family. Last year I sat by and watched my dad's health decline until he passed away in April of 2015 but last year was full of so many blessings. A new church FAMILY, James Henry's salvation, bucket list trips, David's adoption and many more blessings but I won't sugar coat it, I spent most of 2015 depressed. I thought I had a handle on life and was doing great, it really didn't hit me until the first of this year that I spent last year in some deep dark pits.
At the start of the year I really took some time for some self evaluation and reflection. It was gut wrenching when I realized why I was where I was. I was running from God's calling and will for my life. I was miserable because I was no longer living my life to serve my king. I knew very clearly I was called to be a foster parent and advocate for those without a voice. I have been where these kids have been, I know the love they seek and need. I know the feeling of just wanting to be loved and belong. Truly belong. Sometimes when I look at David, I can't help but think what if we would have said no when they called. I can't bare to think of how different life would be if our yes would have been a no that day in August almost two years ago.
We are blessed to attend an adoption loving, mission oriented church that loves orphan care and supports those called to serve in that mission field. I can't tell you how many sermons I listened to that I know God gave my pastor just for me to hear as I was coming out of those pits. There was an orphan care conference a few months ago and my world was just being flooded with facts about foster care and the need for more homes and I am sure you have seen the problems the Texas foster care system is having, the news is publishing it every chance they get. God was using every outlet possible to bring me back in alignment with his will. The same weekend the conference was taking place, James and I were on date day and we were discussing a conversation we had heard regarding foster care and I just blurted it all out to him.. that I knew why I was so broken and that I knew we had to get our license back, that I knew we had the space, room, love and ability to add to our family wether it was for a short time or forever. That I was tired of running..running from God and running from the work and life I knew he put me on this Earth to do, that I never felt more alive than we were serving him through foster care.
James did not blink an eye, he said as he was driving down the road, "Send Buckner an email right now!" and so we did, and within 30 minutes we had a very excited response and just a few short weeks later our license was current and our home once again open to placements. I can't live with the thought of looking in the eyes of a child who has been neglected and abused that needs and wants everything we have to offer and saying "no I'm already busy" "no, that paperwork stinks", "no, you might leave". I will not continue running because my calling isn't always convenient or comfortable. I will instead rely on his mercy and grace to substain me on the hard days and wait patiently for his beautiful, perfect plan to unfold.
And so here we are waiting for a new addition or maybe two to join us. Just this week I had a moment of complete dejavu' with James. I was taken back to a conversation we had in our kitchen the day before we received the call for David. They both went something like "We should just be open to whatever child God has for us." Two years ago, it was about being open to a boy and not just hoping to adopt a baby girl. See how the Lord worked there! This week it was about taking a sibling group. We tell people all the time there is a great need for homes to take sibling groups when the truth is we can take a sibling group. Our license allows for two more children in our home and we certainly have the space and resources to do so. Is a sibling group God's plan? I am not sure yet, but I can't wait to see!
Are you struggling, feeling like you have drifted away from your faith and God? My advice...ask yourself if you are living out his will for you. Are you running from something? Stop running from it and run to the arms of Jesus.
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