Our little Miss Tiny

Life is hard. Foster care is harder.

Our sweet little Miss Tiny left us on a Friday morning in February. She was placed in a fictive kinship placement and for the first time ever that day she laid eyes on her big sister. That is the way it should be, sisters should be together. I wish our hearts could have taken that in a little easier.

Two weeks earlier, James and I traveled with her to a small Texas town and waited outside the courtroom for the judge to grant the placement change.  He did grant the ruling and out of the courtroom came her new family to meet her and us for the first time. We had a long visit that day with them and two weeks later as I loaded boxes upon boxes of her clothes, keepsakes and toys into the back of her case worker's rented minivan I felt sick to my stomach. She was 14 months old and I was the only mom she knew, I knew her routine, her likes and dislikes, I was her comforter and her safe place. As I buckled in her car seat and then put her in it, my heart broke into a million pieces, I truly felt like I was handing my own child off to a stranger to drive away. Devastated, that is how I felt.

We still miss her every day, we still talk about her all the time.

Miss Tiny was in our home for six months, and that six months completely flipped our world upside down, it changed the course of our lives forever.

She came to us at nine months old. She was severely neglected the first 5 months of her life and was in a previous placement for three months before she arrived at our door in the middle of the night. So that is three different homes, three different sets of parents all in the first year of her life when bonding is so important. I say all this to tell you our Little Miss Tiny had alot of problems medically, physically and emotionally. There were alot of doctors and tests and holding her why she was sick or screaming because she had to be still for the tests to be accurate. That poor baby endured so much in such a short time.

In all honesty, she needed more care than James and I could give her. We tried for a long time, we put everything to the side and put her first, we literally did not live life for six months. So much so that in order to help her sleep at night, James and I moved out of our own room and into the living room hoping she may possibly sleep a few hours at night if she was alone in a dark quiet place. We did it because we truly loved her, loved her with all our hearts and we wanted to do right by her.

We did not realize how much we had stop living until we reached the breaking point. This is where my anger and heartbreak comes in.

We reached out for help first to our agency, and we did not get anything in return, we were not offered coping mechanisms, anyone to talk to or even respite care for a weekend to let us rest. After Tiny left we had a surprise inspection from the state of Texas and when asked about our agency, I  told the truth that they were fabulous with David's case and all the times we had done respite for other people but this go around I don't know if they had to many families on their case load, if they have gotten to complacent with their jobs or what happened but it was not the same. Before, I felt like we were a family and felt like we had a ton of support, if we asked for something it was done. Well, apparently not everyone likes the truth. We were contacted by a high up person at our agency and James talked to him for a long time and really felt like he listened and cared however on our local level, I was unfriended on Facebook by one of our workers. Once again, devastated. We still care about them, they helped us adopt our son. I just thought if I told the truth, maybe another family would not have to feel so isolated and alone.

James and I are very private people, private to a fault. Our circle is very tiny. Our church is small, our kids attend a small charter school etc. When we felt like we had hit rock bottom we reached out to someone and spilled our guts, our private feelings and while I feel like that person listened that day, there was no follow up although promised and nothing else came from that conversation. Devastated. Devastated to pour your private life out to someone who was/is to busy for you to be a priority in their life or to even pray for your baby as she was transitioning out of your home.

Every kid in foster care has an attorney. Our Little Miss Tiny had an awful one. I emailed and called her office twice a week for two months and never got a reply. When she came out of that small town courtroom and saw us, she pretty much ran to the elevator to avoid us. Devastated again, but not for us but for Little Miss Tiny, she deserved far far better. Her attorney gets a paycheck to represent her but how can you represent a baby you never check on or know nothing about?

Tiny's caseworker was a real mess as well. She did not return messages, calls or emails. She kept us completely in the dark on her case and when I sent an email to her boss with a list of questions and concerns she still did not address the actual email and her supervisor did not even bother to reply. Her caseworker did not work through her case in a timely manner. She deserved to be moved to that kinship placement alot faster than six months, when there was a bigger window and opportunity for her to form a healthy bond, once ours was broken. All she knows is broken bonds. Once again, devastated for her.

For the first time in our four years of foster care we felt like everyone in the system let our baby down and let us down. However, we are adults and can cope and recover. She is just an innocent child who did not ask for this life.

And don't even get me started with all the questions foster parents get on a daily basis, about why you do it, do you really need another kid, then everyone wants to know about your kiddos case and background but throw in a child with medical challenges and suddenly everyone has a medical degree. People, please read my words don't do it, just don't do it......to any child!!!

I am writing all this so maybe, hopefully another foster family in the trenches will know they are not alone. We felt ashamed when we realized we could not meet her needs long term and there was no where to go and no one seemed to care.

This is  Foster Care Awareness Month so maybe I can give some advice on how to be a blessing to a foster family...
If you know a foster parent, just pray for them. Take them a meal, buy them a gift card to help purchase clothes for their foster placements, offer gas money for all the visits and appointments these kids have to attend. Pay for summer camp for a child in foster care who otherwise would not be able to attend.

Our season as foster parents has come to a close but God gives every story redemption and he is not finished with us yet. A big door has opened for us and James and I are excited to walk through it and still be involved in the community that helped to bring us David and a community and cause we feel greatly about.

Are our are hearts still mending? Yes, but this walk has bought us closer as a couple and a family. We are stronger than ever. We know what and who is important and where to dispense our emotional energy. It has made us better people and this current season is bringing us so much joy.